Getting through the legal stuff of divorce, physically moving your belongings that remain, finding new accommodations, explaining to the children, all of that is hard enough. Right? But then, if you like being partnered, there is the whole process of getting back into the dating and partner-searching game. Which isn’t always so easy, even if you have been looking forward to it.
A big part of re-partnering after divorce is redeveloping trust in yourself.
Here’s part of a letter I wrote to a friend recently, which you might find helpful. She’s been struggling with the highs and lows of regaining her dating groove post-divorce:
I think you have done very well with your post-divorce dating process, with being open to love and excitement and romance and fun, and I think you had what I would call “nigglies” back a while ago regarding whether this guy was really telling you the truth. I don’t think you are tuned into picking bad guys or that your truth radar is off, it’s there, you took a fun calculated risk, and for what it was worth, you had a great time on your date.
Stop beating yourself over the head with the empty paper towel roll! (whatever that cardboard thingie is called). You did a good job for yourself! It sucks that he may, in addition to being handsome, funny, smart, sensitive, and interesting, also be a jerk, but you got a significant part of the order form to the Universe filled out correctly.
Trust yourself!! …. You’re no dupe!! And I remember you had some apprehension about his intentions/honesty at the very very beginning, too, so you are picking up signals and acknowledging them. You chose to go ahead and enjoy the fun while taking the risk that you may not get the whole package of what you want on this foray.
The next trick is to honor your disappointment as well as your strengths while disconnecting from him and moving on.
When we’re really upset about stuff like this, it sometimes points to someone else in our life that we were disappointed by and that we didn’t find closure with. So the gift in this is that you can figure out who that, much more important, person and event(s) is/are, and heal those. I like doing visualizations, writing things down on paper and burning them, throwing stuff out that I don’t really want any more that reminds me of them, and while doing all that sending a message to the Universe that in doing these present-tense actions, I’m also addressing the old situations.
Consciously finding a balance between holding positive energy about people’s intentions and also acknowledging unpretty things that you “know” without having facts is a skill which has a lot to do with trusting yourself to handle the next steps. If you let yourself acknowledge the dirt right up front, it gives you a step or two ahead of them to start maneuvering and keep yourself in a place or way you feel comfortable with. You’re not a lump sitting on a log, you have feet and legs and can side-step things.
If you knew that guy would never call you back, would you have gone on the very fun date? My guess is yes, but in consciously acknowledging what you knew intuitively, you wouldn’t have allowed yourself the chance to enjoy the joy, the hope, the full emotional exploration of what it feels like for you to be with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with (or whatever variation on that theme was working for you :)) You can really use those good positive feeling experiences to send clear, strong messages to the Universe about what you really really want. Just tack them onto the Purchase Order for Mr. Right.
Mr. R. might not be available to send right out, so you may have another few tester dudes in the meantime, but try to separate out the great stuff and what you really enjoy experiencing from any of the cr@p. This kind of process requires a social/psychological/spiritual mental mindset that it is ok for you to experience these things with people who are not your husband and very likely will not be. Those of us who were raised to “only do it with your husband or there are eternal consequences to pay” have/had a lot of work to do to get over that and be able to enjoy ourselves as we see fit. Sometimes we made ourselves feel guilty and/or were really counting on the guy to work out so that we wouldn’t end up with those bad consequences we’d been told about.
Personally, I wouldn’t call or contact him in any way. Take the energy that contacting him would require and put it into you, into resolving any old unresolved stuff, and into finding new guys, into fine-tuning your Purchase Order, into knowing you are a good person and fully capable of navigating finding a partner who really is a wonderful human being and is great with you. 🙂
Love and hugs,